Something Lost
by fanfictioner22
Summary: Gai is an excellent ninja, he knows what his job requires from him. However, witnessing the first kill of his precious student makes him regret the darker parts of their lifestyle.


For Tenten Appreciation Week; prompt, Something Lost.

I'm kinda late for the party but, oh well.

* * *

The distinctive stench of death is thick and heavy, almost suffocating. Gai has been a Ninja for far too long, seen friends and foes die – sometimes by his own very hands, nevertheless, the concept of death hasn't settled into his bones, his soul. The sublime beast of Konoha still grieves with every life wasted – with every future destroyed. Death is never _and it should never_ _be_ something so easily inflicted upon others.

So, when Gai frantically searches for his female student whose chakra was glowing bright and strong _just minutes ago_ , and now he can barely feel the flicker, on and off, on and off – like a candle flame in the mercy of a powerful gust of wind.

He runs like the wind, pumping chakra to his legs and willing his toned body to go faster because something is wrong, Tenten is in danger and he should have never left his precious student out of sight. But he has, he knows the brunette is strong – he is her teacher. Gai knows her strengths and weaknesses the best; however, he is also a pseudo parent of the girl he watched grow up. Helped grow up.

Licking his chapped lips, Gai leaps, he catches the barest shape of two adorable chocolate buns and lands cautiously on the balls of his feet.

The land must have been beautiful once with lush green grass and tall proud trees. But now the soil is littered with sharp weapons and distinctive marks of crafty jutsus. There is also blood. Lots of blood.

Right in the middle of the largest crimson puddle lays a man, maybe around his age. His hair is a river of midnight across the red blood, skin pale with the familiar touch of death. There are dark shadows under his glossy black eyes with a round face caught between disbelief, rage, surprise.

The surprise factor might be the sloppily torn cavity, the unevenly charred human flesh and internal organs Gai suspects to be from an exploding tag taken in close range.

It's painstakingly simple to connect the dots.

First kills are neither easy nor clean. Gai's experienced eyes pick apart the scene, the mangled flesh was definitely lethal, however, it missed the heart by a few centimeters. Though the burn is shallow, it's widespread. His lungs must have collapsed first while he slowly bled, clawing the dirt for air he couldn't take in. _Messy,_ messy and agonizing.

A shuddered breath and Gai's head snaps back at the brunette. Her back is against the rough mossy bark, her dexterous fingers clench and unclench in rhythm her shallow breathing. Relief floods his veins and with every thundering beat of his heart, the same thoughts echo.

She is alive. She won. _She is alive._ _She won._

Yet, Tenten's eyes aren't different from the corpse few steps away.

The victory she has won, the survival she achieved, is tasteless, bitter and empty.

Dulled brown eyes met his, her muscles relaxed instantly at the sight of her beloved sensei. Tenten smiles, broken and bloodied. The forced mask cracks under the tremors of her shoulders and soon her tilted smile drops. Tears, fat and ugly, yet silent stream down her cheeks and as Tenten looks up at the endless sky in a desperate prayer, Gai sees the inky splotches of a nasty bruise on her left cheek and the slight blood drizzling thin line in her delicate throat.

Gai's hardened eyes turn towards the corpse, a new kind of loathing burning through his veins, he thinks had the man been _alive_ Gai would have made sure to change it.

He dreads the next moments. He truly does. No academy or class could ever teach the horror of a first kill. Gai briefly closes his eyes as not to see Tenten dig her nails into her tights.

Memories of happier times force their way and Gai lets them.

 _Tenten fresh out of the academy. She sits between two polar opposite boys, bright eyed and bushy tailed. She is full of innocence laced with determination and her brown eyes gleam like gems when she speaks of her admiration towards the great Tsunade._

 _Tenten with her hair down to her hip. She carefully braids one side then the other. She has completely tuned out the one-sided verbal battle of her teammates as she directs all her attention and care to her long soft locks. Tenten isn't very interested in fashion or romance or beauty like other girl but her hair has a special place in her heart. As long as she keeps them out of her way in battle, Gai lets her have the privilege of disadvantageous hair. Though he secretly likes to watch her groom herself with patience worth of saints._

 _Tenten is cooking. A wooden spoon in her left is lazily stirring the soup while the sharp knife in her right minced the beef efficiently. The song she murmurs is familiar to them by now, as she is prone to mumble it every single time she cooked. Which she did a lot. Lee is hopeless in the culinary art, cooking is beneath Neji (read: he sucks), and Gai is only able to make curry. His curry is extraordinary but they couldn't eat it all the time, so, Tenten willingly takes the role of the cook and none of the boys miss her small smile when she watches them eat whatever she cooked up._

 _Tenten is training. Thud, thud, thud, one after another like the ticking of a clockwork, senbons hit their marks. The days when she missed the center are long gone, none withstanding she takes pride in her excellent marksmanship. Gai is there, like always, and loudly congratulates her. Tenten grins, proud, head held high, cheeks slightly pink from the praise._

One after another. They sear through Gai's brain. The little girl he guided through the tough road of a ninja, the innocence and carefree air he tried to protect them so hard is for nothing now. If he had the opportunity, Gai would have bundled up all three and tucked them safely in his house, out of harm's way.

Alas, such thing is not possible. Gai knew that one day he would have to piece back whatever he could salvage of that bright innocence, he did… he just hoped that day to be far.

Not now.

And certainly not with Tenten _first._

It might have been Lee. The boy didn't know his own strength and human bones are such frail things. A single hit is enough to puncture something vital or pulverize completely. Or Neji. The Hyuuga is a genius. He has the cool head and logical way of thinking. He'd put his own safety above the enemies and go for the kill if he has to. The silent fist is deadly, cutting off the chakra keeping us alive is relatively simple for him.

Gai just never thought that he had to give support to _Tenten_ off all three _._

She is bright – not like Neji and strong – not like Lee. She wields knives of all shapes and sizes, her knowledge of the human anatomy is nothing but perfect (her admiration for Tsunade interested her into medicine but she never had the required talent for it) Tenten could release a hundred kunai and restrain her opponent without cousin deadly damage. She always did, avoided causing death, but now…

Still trembling, the brunette manages to stand back up. She wipes the tears away, quickly and efficiently. Gai expects more to follow but when their eyes meet once again, he notices the silent resolution and stubborn willpower of hers, he came to love and cherish.

"Sensei," she calls and her voice does not waver much to his surprise. "Don't tell Lee… or Neji. _Please."_

"Why?" he asks before he can stop himself. Something painful swirls in every cell in his body as Tenten gives a full body twitch. In Gai's mind, she has every reason to keep quiet. If Tenten wishes to hide her stained hands, Gai will abide.

He will mourn her lost innocence in secrecy.

She licks her lips. Thin wrists push back sweaty bangs out of her eyes. Gai's mouth thins at the blood trail it leaves on her forehead. Tenten either doesn't notice or care. It must be the latter.

"Because I want to be the one to tell them." She says, sounding more confident than she had been moments ago. Gai might have imagined the whole ordeal of her slow breaking but the tear marks on her bruised cheek glare at him from across the field. "He was going to… I almost… so I – It's okay sensei." Is she reassuring him or herself? "It's okay sensei. I made the choice; I was prepared for the consequences when I had. And I want Neji and Lee to hear it from me. _They have to hear it from me."_

Gai nods, hoping he doesn't seem distant. Her words are wise for her age and situation furthermore she composed herself rather well. "Of course Tenten." The low, gentle tone is alien to his character but it manages to wrestle a small smile from the brunette. "If you ever need someone to -"

"I know where to find you sensei." She drawls, starting to pick up her scattered weapons. Gai is fast to help out, the familiar routine is like a calming ritual for both.

"Do not be afraid." Tenten stills and lifts an eyebrow in genuine curiosity. "Neji and Lee would never judge you or think any less of you. They both bathed in the glorious flames of youth!"

The silliness laced encouragement breaks the thin awkwardness around them and Tenten laughs. Rich, merry and heartfelt, all signs of fear and disgust wash away and Gai beams at the sight of glowing _– alive –_ brown eyes.

After her laughter dies, she reminds her sensei, "And don't blame yourself, okay? It was bound to happen and I just wish I had the guts to finish him – I mean I could have made it easier but I was kinda in shock."

"I understand Tenten. First kills are rarely pretty all ninja go through it eventually. I only wish I could have prepared you better for it."

She shrugs. "It's not something you can prepare us for."

Maybe Gai doesn't need to coddle his students so fiercely, especially the quirky weapon mistress. He internally chides himself for trying to hold back her true potential. There is still blood under Tenten's fingernails and the breeze is carrying the putrid stench of burned flesh. In Gai's wise eyes his precious youthful student has lost something valuable, a core element of her character. But she is growing and maturing, she is becoming a young skilled woman. It's expected to lose valuable things as long as she could gain something in return…

Gai will let her grow. He's been hiding the pretty lotus from the sun for a while. It's time for him to be a step back, ready to help should she stumble but not interfering with her process.


End file.
